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Think

Head is all over the place, I can’t think, I can’t think, I cannot think clearly.  Brain no longer feels like soft tissue but instead ossified beyond repair, synapses like a ball of tangled wool irretrievably chaotic with no clear connections, only random thoughts darting uncontrollably inside my skull and skittering off in all directions like a bowl of marbles dropped on a glass floor.  It’s very late, the small hours of the morning, and I should be in bed, not sitting here in front of the computer aimlessly trawling through Facebook, or trying and failing to reply to the many starred emails in my inbox that are querulously demanding my attention with their deal-with-me-now emboldened fonts and yellow stars.  Well they can just bugger off.  I can’t do it anymore, I can’t respond because I can’t concentrate, I can’t focus, it’s too much of a mental effort to try and think in a rational and straightforward manner, when my own head is fighting me every inch of the way.  I can feel my brain starting to panic slightly, to trip over itself in haste and desperate desire just to be able, for once, to THINK CLEARLY, galloping into the state where I get repeated thoughts bullying me, inside my head I am shouting leave me alone I don’t have to do this, you can’t make me, you can’t make me you can’t make me. 

I was so ‘normal’ earlier today.  I went to the post office to collect a packet, I went to the supermarket and picture framers where I engaged in a bit of light banter with people and smiled at them.  I rang my Mum and my Aunt and had a chat with them both.  I burbled affectionate nonsense to my beloved cat and picked him up, hugging his small furry body close to me and loving him and telling him so.  I made a modest supper, not much food, no appetite but pleased with what I ate, watched usual soap operas on television followed by non-serious and entertaining cooking programme.  Came back to the computer and looked at some photography, commented on Facebook and Twitter, made tentative plans with a friend to meet on Friday.  It was all fine – ordinary, non-taxing, not difficult, ordinary. 

Yet during that time there has been a subtle shift in the ether, a change of mental temperature, an invisible burning behind my eyes and a pressure inside my head that is making me see everything slightly differently.  The mental jumble is firing itself up, I feel discombobulated, odd, really odd, a frown is crinkling my brow as I write and try to understand what is happening whilst I type these words with strange disconnected hands that may or may not belong to me.  I hate the way this just comes over me with no warning, when I thought I was doing okay and now suddenly I’m not and I don’t know what to do about it and I don’t want anyone else here and I don’t want to talk about it and I don’t want to feel it or be it I just want it to stop.  Just stop and leave me alone.